I used to suffer from severe arthritis, so at a relatively young age I needed to have both hips replaced. As much as I wanted to be able to walk again, I was dreading the surgery. Due to a fatal allergy to anesthetic that runs in my family, it was decided that I should only have an epidural and remain awake for the surgery. I cannot lie, that part filled me with dread. This is how it went.
The big day arrived yesterday with an early morning wakeup call at 4:45. I figured nothing the surgeon could throw at me would be worse than that. I so hate it when I'm wrong. We made it to the hospital in record time and after Rob tried to tip me out of my wheelchair as he transversed the curb, we discovered the admissions dept wasn't open for another half hour.
Once they did, they ushered me into a small room where the nurse pre-requisite robes and then looked me up and down and pronounced "Here is a pair of big pants" with the emphasis on big. Yes really. I was so not impressed. The "big" pants were not comfortable so Rob kindly adjusted the waist ties, which only made it worse as now they kept falling down. Wonderful. After I changed into the robes, big pants, booties and with my hairnet perched at a rakish angle, Rob whips out his phone and decides to capture it on film. I decided my husband had far too much fun at my expense and sent him off to pick up Lindsay, who had flown in from New York to be with me.
Next up was the IV - which took three people multiple attempts. Somewhere through that ordeal I passed out. I guess that is a big no no in hospital, as I was suddenly surrounded by a bevy of concerned nurses. The one who had been filleting my hand with the IV needle was stroking my face asking if I was still with her. I swear if someone told me not to go towards the light I was out of there. From there I perfected a hop step dance to the OR desperately trying to hold up my big pants. As soon as I entered the OR, there was a chorus of cheerful hellos and how are yours, as if they weren't about to slice and dice me.
My next ordeal, was the spinal block and epidural. Two anesthesiologists worked on me, stabbing me five or six times to find the right spot. That wasn't so bad until one of them asked for the 5" needle. FFS if you going to stick that in me, at least use a code name for it. Next up the surgery, very enlightening hearing the buzzing of the bone saw and the hammering of the spikes in my femur. I say spikes, because he tried a few sizes based on the amount of hammering. Unfortunately my first femur broke and had to be wrapped in wire for support. I see many a TSA pat downs in my future.
Because of that unsuspected development, the surgery took twice as long and the freezing was wearing off by the time came to do my second hip and I could feel the surgeon as he drew on me with a sharpie. I explained that to the cheery chap looking after me, and he told me not to worry, he'd sedate me. That must have worked because the last thing I remember is asking him if i could take home my sawn off joints for Grady. Apparently not, who knew they were a bio hazard? WTF was I thinking? Thank goodness they said no.
In recovery i was introduced to a very chatty nurse. I asked for a cup of water. She spent the next half hour telling me about her ex-husband, his new wife, her estranged children and her mortgage situation. I never did get the cup of water. At least Lindsay and Rob were able to visit me while I waited for a bed. Once in the room, Rob trekked off to the van to retrieve my bag. Whilst he was gone Lindsay proceeded to regale me with tales of the trips Rob insisted on her taking around the hospital, in preparation for her visit today. "I'm 20" she told me huffily, "Why does he think I will get lost?". Rob arrived back a few minutes later but without my glasses. Lindsay offered to go back and get them. Five minutes later, Robs phone rings. You've guessed it, Lindsay is lost and hasn't made it out the building. Good job she is studying Hospitality and not Cartography . So there are good days and there are bad days, and then there are days that could only happen to me
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