Gentle Parenting ? Not In Our Family

I was reading an article the other day about the signs or indications of poor parenting. I was gobsmacked when I realized how many applied to me....

1. Addiction or substance abuse ..... this one doesn't actually apply, but let's be real, if anyone needed an excuse (or 3) to take up drinking, I'd be at the front of the line
2. Favouritism or neglect..... Neglect no, favouritism definitely, but who knew a favourite child had to actually be one of mine?
3. Frequent conflicts.  I think this is a given, but to be fair most of the time I was refereeing knock-down-drag-outs between my offspring... but I was also often conflicted ... lock the kids in their rooms or lock them outside ? Decisions, decisions.
4. Poor communication. I aced this one. I spent 20 years communicating loudly and I might add somewhat colourfully. Pretty sure I got my point across though. Sid was also an excellent communicator when she taught her Grade 1 classmates how to say "Piss Off" (in an English accent no less) and showed them her middle fingers. I got into a lot of trouble for that little incident. Even more trouble when she casually dropped the F bomb in conversation with her father.
5. No emotional support. Not true. I showed a lot of emotional support towards Grady when he had menstrual cramps.  In fact, I was so supportive, I even told his teachers so they could support him too. 
6. Emotional or physical abuse. Okay, I have to confess, Grady does like to boast or maybe bemoan the fact that I broke not one, but two wooden spoons on his ass. I'm sure it was only one, and I seem to remember it broke very easily. 
7. Secrets and lies. Or dear, this one's a doozy. When I told Sid there was no Santa (I blame Lindsay because she told me her sister already knew the truth). Sid's response "What kind of mother are you, that you would tell me there's no Santa?" I had to pack my bags to go on a guilt trip that year. But while we are on the subject, I firmly believe the first step towards successful parenting is to be a good liar, but for that you also need an exceptional memory. 
8. Finally, unrealistic expectations. Really? This is a thing?  Was it unrealistic to not want Grady to build a working taser and shoot down the stairs in a cardboard box? Was it unrealistic to expect Sid not to retaliate to every taunt from Grady, with a knee to his nuts? Was it unrealistic to expect my eldest not to leave condoms where her father could find them? I could go on, but I think I made my point.

So, all in all, I don't think I did too badly at this parenting lark. They all made it safely to adulthood (although I can't deny it was a bit touch and go sometimes) and I think they turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself.